Log in

In my place.... [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
miss mary

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

Ian Timetraveller Shaffer [Oct. 29th, 2014|01:01 pm]
miss mary

( You are about to view content that may only be appropriate for adults. )
linkpost comment

My mother, the car [Nov. 14th, 2013|08:55 am]
miss mary
"You have such an ability to get people to want you, I don't know why you're using it on your sister.. and.. private loser."
The night before she said this, I had a dream about her cutting off my hair against my wishes. I struggled to pull away, but she was still able to chop off the last few months of growth. It was malicious. I knew the truth. She needed to have control.
I will have control over my life.
I will have control over my life.
I will have control over my life.

The other night when we went to Whitemarsh for dinner and the whole conversation exploded ofver the 'red flags' they saw in Dan, I made it clear that they "are going to have to let it play out," and mom was going to have to keep her opinions to herself. Her opinions are more demands, like "don't get serious with Dan until he's an officer."
The red flags, in order of how Dan and I abolished the risks, were;
His drinking. I don't think he's an alcoholic but my parents do. He has had his darker times when he used it as an escape. When we fist started talking again he was drinking just to fall asleep, although after our first videochat when I brought it up what it was something that would keep us apart, he seriously cut back. I have seen him drinking on weekdays with his friends a few times and on the weekends he does, so I asked him to quit until he came home, in less than 3 weeks now. He volunteered not to drink while he was home, too. I think if I told him that drinking at all was a dealbreaker, he would quit, but I'm waiting to see him to discuss it further.
His best friend. Jake. I only had to tell him the truth about what happened between us in order to inspire a deep rage that left him shaking, and  made it impossible for them to see each other again. All I had to do was tell the truth.
His family. Of Janelle, who is in her 30's and still lives at home, I asked, "what kind of a role model is that for you?" who Dan said was a motivation for him to get the hell out of the house. His father, "I will NOT turn out like my father," he said adamantly, when I brought up that his dad made me uncomfortable back when we were dating. He's weird. The man is weird. Men turn into their fathers, and I told Dan that, but he wants to be more like his mother than anyone, and I love Connie.
His motivation. It was seriously lacking when we grew apart, and if it were not for the Air Force would still be abysmal. I'm still waiting on his motivation to be kicked up another notch, and I think if we were to get back together and start talking about getting engaged and married and all, I would have to put those things on a timeline of his accomplishments. That would slow down the time it would take for me to be able to advance within Starbucks, and get a corporate career or discuss an overseas or remote job to accommodate moving around.

What isn't lacking is the growth of his soul. His love for me and desire to make me happy and support me have not grown dull.
I only wonder if we have gotten to each other because we are both so lonely, and because we need to see our story played out, as if the drugs hadn't torn us apart.
We may wind up together and he might take me far way on adventures until we're in our 40's and can settle down comfortably somewhere. If we do I'll be happy; I'll never be bored.
linkpost comment

(no subject) [Apr. 15th, 2008|09:09 am]
miss mary
I'm confused.
A little lost.
I'm too young to know who I want to marry. Love is incredibly hard to maintain, and I'm trying my best but I might be making mistakes. I don't want to lose Ben but I don't want to decide my life now.
I have unresolved issues with a bad person and I need closure with him. From him. I thought I was, but I'm not, over him. I can't admit it out loud but I'm pretty sure I loved him. In love with him. I know I was infatuated with him. I won't admit it because he didn't deserve it. He didn't love me back.
I don't like some of the things I do. I feel guilt that makes me sick. I talk like I'm a mature adult and act like a petty teenager.
I wish I could fast forward and be an adult. I wish I could put my relationship with Ben on pause until I got all this college living out of my system. I wish I could hold my liquor. I wish I could wallow in my depression and hurt myself like I used to.
I want to rewind. Redo. Fix. I can't. I'm trapped.
I am trapped. Trapped. Stuck. Caught. Trapped. No way out. Shit. Fuck. Shoot me. Get me out.
linkpost comment

(no subject) [Apr. 9th, 2008|12:59 pm]
miss mary
[Current Location |American Society Class]
[mood |annoyedannoyed]
[music |A Slow Drone of Lecturing]

i truly, utterly, and completely cannot stand my roommate. she is the epitome of depression, except instead of expressing it by being bulimic, anorexic, an alcoholic or a cutter (something i'd understand), she's a huge slut and a total bitch. I'm sorry, but even at my most depressed I was able to be nice to people who were nice to me. I think i'm gonna have to live at home the rest of the semester because I just can't stand her pale little rat face looming feet from me while i'm trying to live my life. honestly i feel bad for her, i don't even hate her. she's awful, though, and it's bringing me down. i'm packing up. anyone know where i can stay?
link1 comment|post comment

(no subject) [Dec. 28th, 2007|11:25 pm]
miss mary
christmas parties, friends and families and strangers my beloved ones love, and on my wrist is the reminder of the man who made it; my love, my only. glass and shell and clay create an erratic array of personality strung on a wire and clasped to my body with a claw like a lobster. I tell him, "i wear it when i miss you, and I haven't taken it off since you left." He thinks I'm cheesy sometimes and tells me but when he tells me I'm his world I take it to heart.
I can see our children, blue eyes and blond hair, awkward smiles and bony knees, kissing his cheek and asking me to make them a snack. I can see our pets, and the naked cat we bought to overcome mom's allergy and the collie we bought and gave the middle name Max to compliment our lost friend. I see fights and growth and inteligence and beauty and a future when I see him. I see love when I see his eyes. I see passion, for life, for love, for practicality and our godsent coupling. I love him so much, and my cousin tells me that 'love grows, if you can imagine it mary, even stronger.' More every day.
Your best friend, your future, your world, is this person. Love exists, and it's different; your prince doesn't come wake you up some day, you have to go get him. You have to fight for him, because nothing worth having is gotten without a fight. You have to take someone who compliments you and fill that sense of loneliness that's been haunting you since you were a bulemic fourteen-year-old and hold on tight to the man making your life livable again. Then you have to realize that that's love; I'm in love and I didn't fall into it overnight. I thought before I jumped but I wish I had a parachute because I've fallen hard for him. Heartbreak and heartbreak alone would separate us; that's love. He's the one who cares for me, who I want to care for, whose sanity I keep and who keeps me sane, who I need and am needed by. We love each other and I know Ben, I'm so cheesy, but we're perfect and beautiful together and I couldn't be happier.
I'm blessed and lucky and in love.
linkpost comment

(no subject) [Oct. 6th, 2006|06:56 pm]
miss mary

i have to learn how to breathe.

link1 comment|post comment

(no subject) [Feb. 28th, 2005|08:41 pm]
miss mary
I absoloutly, positively, love snow.

i'm so glad it's snowing.
link2 comments|post comment

(no subject) [Feb. 15th, 2005|09:43 pm]
miss mary
[mood |It's been a long eternity.]
[music |Coldplay : Parachutes]

When I counted up my demons
   Saw there was one for every day
       With the good ones on my shoulders
             I drove the other ones away

So if you ever feel neglected
   And if you think that all is lost
        I'll be counting up my demons, yeah
                                       Hoping everything's not lost

linkpost comment

[ viewing | most recent entries ]